Yeeesh.

Been freaking out all day since the phone call.  I relish the good news (risk for Downs is 1:360, Spina Bifida is 1:2,000) but can't help but focus on the bad (Trisomy 18 1:18 risk).

Of course I drive myself crazy reading message boards and research on this chromosomal deficiency.  I read stories of babies born still, babies living 5 days, look at photos of dead babies...I need another hobby besides pregnancy.

The truth that I know is that this is a minimal 5% risk.  I also know what a horrible prognosis it presents if it is, in fact, Trisomy 18.  I ALSO know that God has a plan for me and Vivian Grace and I need to surrender to His will.

I can't help the bad feelings that creep in.  I can't help but feel that I am being punished for conceiving a child out of wedlock...I know these feelings are wrong to have.  I know I am beating myself up.  I also know I have to let myself go through these feelings and accept them...right or wrong as they may be.

In one week I will have more answers.  I have a feeling it is going to be a very very long week.