Out of the funk…

Had to get through the whole questioning paternity (even had the BALLS to question the pregnancy?!?) negativity that was invading this pregnancy with the gentleman no, I dare say not the gentleman, the mammal who chose to release his baby juice into me without permission or warning. Growing up in the South, there are some things about me that are quite old fashioned. First of all, I do NOT hand it out like candy, and I have instructed and mentored many of my female friends not to do the same. Being accused of such strikes in me an angry tone, having been one who is relatively chaste in comparison to many of my peers. So I move on. I proceed with this condition, which is teetering on being an event, without the "baby daddy" by my side. Over the last two weeks I have felt the negative energy wash away and my soul cleansed of that anger and badness.

Here is a point that struck me in these interactions; after making said point I shall veer away from addressing it much at all. If I happened to be one of those women who did hand it out like candy, I also happen to choose gentlemen to date. I daresay that if I had been with 3 different men, all of whom had irresponsibly spilled their seed into me, and if I had told each and every one of them the entire situation and the impending new life on its way (remember that this is a hypothetical with the men that I tend to date, not the one in question), if you gathered the last three men that I dated, each and every one of them would have stood up and been by my side throughout the entire thing. Been emotionally and financially supportive; while perhaps not wholly enthusiastic, and ridden out the entire nine to ten months waiting on a verdict. Perhaps I am too optimistic about my mate selection; but I believe that would be the case. It just seems that this time I chose poorly.

So what is there to do but to move forward for the sake of this child. Reach out to my friends and family for the love that they share for me and for the world and create an amazing being!

And so, my village…welcome.

Have to bring it up yet again...Knocked Up? Seriously?

Have you seen Katherine Heigl?  That movie was NOT realistic...sorry!

Ugly dude with no job and no chemistry? 

RELATIONSHIP PROPAGANDA

Oh, yeah, by the way I no longer miss Ambien

Fatigue....reckless fatigue!

Insurance Nightmare...

So the previous policy that I had in Georgia actually had maternity coverage.  I let that coverage lapse when I got a new policy in Florida that did not have maternity coverage...again, "I don't need no stinkin' maternity coverage".

Yesterday I tried to get reinstated with Aetna...its been too long since my policy lapsed in June, I confirmed with United Healthcare that, in fact, I do not have maternity coverage...and let's take a guess at what my ONLY option is at this point...yep, you guessed it...medicaid.

I had suspected as much last week and completed the requisite online applications and was told to call in for a phone interview this week.  After spending 45 minutes trying to get through without an "all lines busy" message I then spent 2 hours on hold to the shortest, most annoying song I have ever heard in my life.  During the first 20 minutes of being on hold this lovely fatigue set back in (and oh yes, I no longer miss Ambien) and I went to the bedroom to "rest my eyes".  After the first hour passed I found myself sparring with snoozing...but terribly afraid that I would finally get through to a person and be in this very odd dreamland I have found myself in lately. 

2 hours later, luckily I was able to hear the voice of the woman on the other end and, after a relatively painless telephone interview, I was given a list of additional documents needed.  My first step was to get "official documentation" of the pregnancy from a list of clinics.  Once again, I swallowed my pride (have a feeling I am going to be doing this a good bit in the weeks and months to come), and drove to a Catholic Charity Clinic that was on the list and right down the road...I walked out 30 minutes later with another positive pregnancy test, a plastic baby and lots of subtle pro-life brochures.  I guess they aren't as severe as they were when I was younger.  The woman was so excited to have a pregnant result (apparently it's the local pregnancy testing spot and they are getting a lot of negative ones), she signed me up for an ultrasound on Thursday.  All in all not a terrible experience, but I am a SNOB when it comes to my body and it pisses me off that a woman with health insurance has to resort to Medicaid.

Moving forward I decided to look up some of the doctors that had been recommended to me.  Guess what, none of them take Medicaid.  I thought I might have a gander at the allowables and reimbursement rates and NO WONDER nobody takes it.

So now...I have everything ready...to find a decent doctor in this town that will take Medicaid...UGH!

A New Week....continued Alien Invasion

Well, I've been "normalizing" the whole thing.  The word is out.  It may or may not all work out the way it is supposed to.  Hoping everything is good and healthy and wonderful, found a great show versus watching "A Baby Story"...on TruTV "I didn't know I was pregnant" showcases crazy fat drunks who one day think they may be having symptoms of food poisoning and they end up with a perfectly healthy baby hours later...

Of course I am being healthy and doing everything I am supposed to do.  But I am 38.  I did read something that most of the statistics regarding women over 35 were written in the 70's and haven't been updated since then.  So many women are having babies later in life and I cannot live in panic and fear.  I have to surround myself with good energy and warm thoughts and wishes...including not lying about being pregnant, being single, or being a bit scared.

Man I miss Tab....

Man I miss Ambien...

So many things I can live without.  I had lived with very little sleep most of my life until I discovered my precious Ambien...so much for that!  Chalk that up to another thing I can't do.  I have been told; however, that soon enough I will be exhausted enough where it won't be necessary....whoopee....

Funny, someone asked about the possibility of "termination" tonight, I totally thought she was going to say "adoption", hmm...do we really ask virtual strangers about that at a company function?  I know it's a long time past my debutante days but pretty much, I think probably not. 

Yes, I'm grumpy and ill prepared for this entire scenario and aliens have taken over my body; but me and my village gotta stick around to see this alien that somehow managed to defy all odds and take over my being.  Thinking of sending mom and dad the little ditty, can't really come up with another way to tell em...

This whole thing is a big pain in the ass....yes.  But in life, you gotta take it all, wrap it up and figure out a way to laugh.

Revelation....Magnet Therapy

So my co-creator in the alien invasion is a chiropractor...I have always been a bit of a snob when it comes to chiropractors...go figure.

I have been blessed with quite early morning/entire day sickness.  The other day he put some magnets on my ears and wrists.  Today, at a meeting in Naples, I decided they were not that aesthetically pleasing so took them off.  Hurling withing 5 minutes...that hocus pocus seems to be legitimate.

These are the ones that are on my ears...I absolutely recommend them!

Seriously? That was the "really great book"

Okay, on my way to Naples today I picked up a book that had been recommended by a friend as the "cool" book about pregnancy.  Mind you, it was a great book that realistically addressed all of the nitty gritty stuff about pregnancy; however, NOT ONE TIME did it address the dynamics of single pregnancy.  There are countless tomes about teenage pregnancy, and that is about the extent to which it is addressed.  Now, I am oversimplifying of course.  There are some articles that I found about strong successful women who found out they had irresponsibly gotten knocked up and by the grace of God, their barren sister who had been trying for years with her devoted husband to conceive was available to pop right up, adopt the baby and the strong successful woman was able to proceed with her power career and her beautiful single life! 

Ugh!

And here I am, a single woman who conceived a baby with a beautifully intelligent man who was not a match for me romantically.  One dance in the sheets...he has ALWAYS wanted children, one of the issues presented in the decision to date or not date.  Myself?  Wasn't really part of my plan.  I always said, not only did the world have plenty of children, but that I was JUST FINE surrounded by friends and the little family that I did have.  My parents, as well as many of the men I have dated, are all about the buns in the oven.  Aren't I supposed to be more excited about this than he is??  I had to step back, and in my gruff coldness that has erupted out of the "diagnosis", recognize that this is a lifelong dream and aspiration of his; and while it has never been one of mine, seems at this particular juncture, I ain't got much of a choice.

So....when....eventually.....I come all of the way out of the closet with the alien invasion, I hope that I can take some single women along for the journey and perhaps make this whole thing more bearable.  Of course right now I am writing for myself and the trickle of friends that I gradually let in as time goes on...

OH, and by the way...I have been hearing all of this information about how you can't get acrylic nails during pregnancy...well, guess what, it's not true.  Some say it's the solvents (there is no WAY that you can inhale enough harmful solvents to do any damage during one or 21 manicures), others have said it's sensitivity to the smell, which, I am sure time will tell in my case.  The GREAT news is that there is not a single study that I can find that shows I can't go get my damn nails done!  Yippeee!

I can't take WHAT?

Okay, yeah, I know everyone's thinking, "how much can she possibly bitch three days after the test"?

Let's just call it the "diagnosis" instead.  A diagnosis for which there ain't much treatment or cure.  What the HELL is wrong with the world where a severe medical condition, which usually ends in a giant creature emerging from a cute little hole, is treated with NOTHING!!

I love modern medicine.  I take pills.  I love the fact that most ailments can be cured with a simple pharmaceutical solution.  Imitrex for migraines, plenty of Vicodin on hand for the random back ache (oh, and more recently, for the jaw surgery I have been prepped for but can no longer have), Ambien for sleep...my love of modern medical advancements is waning though as I am stuck with TYLENOL.  Seriously?  All this time and we're still saying that Tylenol is the only thing those of us afflicted with this diagnosis can take?  Through the aches and pains, the sleeplessness, the nausea....TYLENOL???  This is just wonderful, Tylenol does absolutely nothing for me.  Let's see...quit smoking, quit drinking, cancel surgery after having majority of molars mangled in preparation leaving nerve endings hanging out all over my jaw, quit prescribed pain medications, and AVOID STRESS???

When I find the cure for this diagnosis I am going to devote all of my time and fund-raising efforts to come up with new drugs for the alien-invaded.  This makes NO SENSE!

Less Bitter, Minute by Minute...but it'll come back

This is really real.  It's really happening.  Although I can read the statistics that women over 35 are 20% more likely to miscarry, I also read the stats that say that I would have a hard time getting pregnant, not with one shot at 38 with a man recovering from testicular surgery.  So when do I break the news and to whom?  I mean, it's not like I'm going to "do something" about it beyond giving birth eventually to the alien inhabiting my body.  I've told a few people...who is most important though?  My parents, whose dream has always been for me to have a child, even in the last few years expressing that they didn't even care if I was married or if I had a black baby (mind you, this is NOT in any way to be construed as a racial slur, I am a debutante from a Southern family where that level of acceptance is gradually peering out over the generations).

One potential line I have thought of:

"Hey, guess what?  I'm first in line for the H1N1 vaccine!"

Took a glance at the so-called description of what this alien looks like at 6 weeks, it's damn ugly.  Giant head, tiny little alien worm.

Maybe it'll get cuter than that.

In the meantime all this hooty tooty "pregnancy is such a wonderful gift" B.S. is going to drive me insane once I formally come out of the closet with this one.

First Visit to Baby Daddy

Insurance sucks...

Good news is, I might be able to reinstate my Aetna that I canceled because it was too expensive (probably because it has maternity coverage!).  Otherwise what?  Medicaid???

Went to see baby daddy this afternoon.  Have been feeling crappy and he is a very talented chiropractor.  Plus, haven't really seen him or talked to him since breaking the news.  He is very excited, must be why the bastard came inside me without permission...

Have way too many logistics to deal with before I really feel this thing.  Insurance being the most important, healthcare reform taking more precedence in my life at this juncture.

He's full of love and happiness, I am full of dread and logistics.

Lovely...Alien Invasion

Researching the beauty of the "First Trimester".  Sounds like a great ride and gee, why don't more people do this!?!

Trimester ONE:

Bigger Boobs (and sore).  This is just fabulous, I'm already a D cup...

Frequent Urination - Nice one, since I'm in the travel business.  Oh, and to boot I get to give up my beloved Tab since they sure don't make that caffeine free!

Fatigue - Lovely, since it's now time to hustle my ass off and make some money to pay for baby.

Mood Swings - Again, great contribution to the career...

As for myself, what are we...two days in of full knowledge, about 4 weeks along.  Giant zit on my nose, already nauseous and totally exhausted.  Also have been having some extensive dental work done, the final surgery was to be in one week, guess what happens there!

I am sure that by the time that I finally publish this I will certainly not be quite as bitter about this entire ordeal, plus I might be willing to tell others!  I give it maybe a month...

Nah, I don't need no stinkin' Plan B...

I seem to recall...one moment in time...after the baby daddy got his juice past the gates (at that point unknown to me) when he casually said, "I have plan B in the medicine cabinet if you want it".  I had not heard much about this "Plan B", and sounded to me like an abortion pill.  Let me be clear, this is not a page about abortion, for or against.  I refuse to turn it into that.  My personal choice?  I am 38, I am intelligent, I'm not a spring chicken, and I believe that God has a plan in my life.

Would I have acted differently with more information about this elusive "Plan B"?  Thought I might provide a public service (once I become bold enough to actually publish this site) and give more information...

Apparently, Plan B (which you can Google for more information) is NOT an abortion pill, it simply prevents the egg from being fertilized somehow and can be taken up to 120 hours after unprotected sex.  Yeah, didn't really know that!  Again, back to God's plan...must be the reason I was not overly informed about this whole thing.  I figure over the next few weeks and days I won't be obsessing over it.

In the mean time...I know that I will NOT ever give the baby daddy guilt over that offering, and as evil as I am going to get it is going to get tempting...

Today's Oh Crap Moment...

Did you know that maternity coverage is NOT required in Florida?  I must have overlooked that when completing my insurance application...

I heard the news today...oh crap!

Well, yesterday actually. Sunday night, after getting home from another super fun day with all of my super fun single friends, I glanced once again at the tampon I had been carrying around "just in case" for the past two weeks...I thought of the guy I broke up with last month and that morning when he made it past the gate. It occurred to me that perhaps, as inconceivable (laughs to self at word usage) as it may seem, while dating a man who was recovering from testicle surgery, a 38 year old woman, after one irresponsible spin around the sheets, might just end up pregnant! Naah...

So...as I had been dancing and drinking in the ocean all day, I thought I might just call this guy up (he was much more organized about my monthly cycle than myself and I seemed to recall he kept it on a calendar...). A little drunk dialing menstrual jibber jabber later and it seemed that I could maybe, perhaps be a teensy weensy bit late in the Aunt Flo category. We then topped it off in a very lovely text war and I decided it might be smart to go ahead and pick up one of those fancy sticks you pee on (seems they did away with the rabbits years ago).

Of course after this revelation to myself if nobody else, sleep eluded me. I found myself on the internet at 3 in the morning typing in what I thought was the first day of my last period (a question I always fail at the Gynecologist, while wondering "who the hell keeps track of THAT?"). Luckily, I remembered that I had been traveling that week which made it a much easier ballpark job. Any way I ballparked the number though, these "pregnancy calculators" seemed to think that I was, in fact, carrying offspring.

Fast forward to the next morning....I sheepishly moved my right-hand "powerful single woman" diamond ring, to the left hand; waltzed into Walgreen's and purchased two store-brand rapid results tests. I had peed in a plastic cup prior to leaving the house, having researched the whole baby test thing and learned that first thing in the morning pee contains the most of that pregnancy hormone...once back at the house, unwrapped and dipped the first test...that line couldn't have gotten blue faster than green grass passes through a goose. Not swayed by that blue line...I took another dip...no doubt.  Oh crap.