Yeeesh.

Been freaking out all day since the phone call.  I relish the good news (risk for Downs is 1:360, Spina Bifida is 1:2,000) but can't help but focus on the bad (Trisomy 18 1:18 risk).

Of course I drive myself crazy reading message boards and research on this chromosomal deficiency.  I read stories of babies born still, babies living 5 days, look at photos of dead babies...I need another hobby besides pregnancy.

The truth that I know is that this is a minimal 5% risk.  I also know what a horrible prognosis it presents if it is, in fact, Trisomy 18.  I ALSO know that God has a plan for me and Vivian Grace and I need to surrender to His will.

I can't help the bad feelings that creep in.  I can't help but feel that I am being punished for conceiving a child out of wedlock...I know these feelings are wrong to have.  I know I am beating myself up.  I also know I have to let myself go through these feelings and accept them...right or wrong as they may be.

In one week I will have more answers.  I have a feeling it is going to be a very very long week. 

Trisomy 18 risk, 1:18

Just got off of the phone with the genetic counselor.  With the second round of the sequential screening my risk for Trisomy 18 has come back with a number that I am quite uncomfortable with, 1:18.

All of my other bloodwork has been great up until now.  It's amazing how much information they can now glean from simple blood tests, and while I am thankful for the knowledge, it now becomes a waiting game for the week.  I will be seen next week for a more comprehensive sonogram and potentially an amnio pending the sonogram results.

This chromosomal defect impacts about 1 in 3,000 pregnancies.  50% of these babies do not make it to term, and only 10% make it to their first birthday. 

I cannot dwell in fear, I must live in prayer.

One of the many reasons I am SO TIRED!

What a learning experience this whole invasion is.  While I was aware that fatigue is a consistent symptom during pregnancy, the many reasons for this were unknown to me.  I have learned that I now have 25 to 45% more BLOOD!  Not only do I see this as yet another reason for weight gain, but my heart is now working a whole lot harder to power my fatness!  

Add to this, increased blood flow to my parts (which, sadly, I cannot see any more and am in a state of mourning and regret that I neglected to say goodbye to my vagina, which will never look as it last did in my eyes).  So my organs, my parts, and whatever else have more blood.  My heart is working a whole lot harder to power my body and I find myself worn out from walking the flatness with my fatness.

This too shall pass, and the rewards will be immeasurable as I have now come to recognize.

Low Lying Placenta

At the Perinatal visit this week, I was informed that I currently have a low lying placenta.  This is a condition that should correct itself over time; however, I will continue to be followed by the specialist and they will monitor this condition to make sure it does.  Apparently, it is a relatively common condition but can lead to, I believe, the need for a C-Section should it not correct itself.  Basically, my placenta is the first thing that would be exiting the exit hole which is not a favorable thing.  I was wondering why, during my sonogram this week, they seemed so focused on my cervix and now I know why.  As my pregnancy progresses, should this condition continue, it is called "Placenta Previa".

Upon further research, there is nothing that I have done wrong to create this issue and there is nothing that I can do to help my placenta move to where it is supposed to go.  I guess this is another situation where the power of positive thinking and prayer fall into place.  Let's hope my brain and heart can fix my placenta.

Pregnancy Acne, Giant Boobs, hemorrhoids, and that Belly that kinda looks either fat or pregnant...FUN!

Today is the first day I tried on official "maternity clothing", a pair of Old Navy maternity denim shorts.  They are surprisingly comfortable, and I have realized that while I wear stretchy clothes, I look even fatter because they don't have that special maternity panel that I have only today realized, is actually slimming!

So, totally fatigued, with a new friend the hemorrhoid slowly emerging and a face that looks like a nervous 8th grade clarinet player, I tackle my days.

Oh, did I mention?  It's a GIRL!

Spotting in 12th week...quite a wake up call!

First, let me say, there is no longer any need to panic so breathe!

Here is what I have learned, and it isn't all Miss Manners pretty!  First of all, pre-natal vitamins make you constipated, secondly...pregnancy makes you constipated!  With the overflow into your body of pregnancy hormones and God knows what else, apparently there is a consistent side effect of all of the soft tissue in your body relaxing.  This causes a great deal of fun.  One thing few folks understand, the majority of your digestive tract is made up of...guess what....wait for it...soft tissue!

This makes digestion take longer, gas more prevalent, and, oh joy, constipation!

So not to be overly disgusting, but I was on the toilet, pushing like a Vietnamese woman giving birth in a rice paddy to expel something from the other end.  We are talking feet on the toilet seat people...anyway, once I had completed this daunting task, a swipe of the Cottonelle revealed BRIGHT RED BLOOD and I went into sheer YIKES mode.  The books all tell you that brown blood is good, red blood is bad.  Double YIKES.

A quick call to the doctor's office, a call back from the midwife who passed it off as "totally normal" and "happens to everyone", me=not satisfied.

Bleeding during pregnancy, it happens, but it is NOT normal.  Further research revealed to me that straining to have a bowel movement can put additional pressure on your sensitive cervix causing slight rupture and bleeding but it's really ok.  I did want to share this information with others so that they might learn from my panic attack.

All is well now, but going to be keeping an eye on my fiber.

Thank you Champion for the best sleeping bra EVER!

I have just finished an old fashioned practice...I wrote a letter to Champion to thank them for creating such an amazing product to help me sleep!

The Champion C9 Camisole Sports Bra has so far saved my sleep and hopefully my overly ample bosom.  You can get them at Target and they amazingly protect the sensitivity AND provide great support!  I am soooo excited to have found this wonderful product, and I am NOT a paid spokesman but I would be happy to be one!

The Big Reveal

Couldn't see what they were looking for because the little alien was face-forward, but it's definitely a baby...it might be an alien baby, but it's a baby!

Appointment scheduled for genetic counseling and level 2 sonogram on December 1st...more anon! 

We have a heart rate...

So there's an old wives tale that states that fetal heart rate is a gender predictor, the opinions are mixed on this topic among the medical community and my doctor kind of rolled her eyes when I brought it up but...

Heart Rate at 11 1/2 weeks....183

Do with it what you will.

Ultrasound tomorrow, stay tuned!

Never thought I would be excited about this Gold Card!

The alien lima bean has coverage now!  Through persistence I now have pregnancy Medicaid in the State of Florida.  A tip for the future to all of the women of child-bearing age out there...DO NOT OPT OUT OF MATERNITY COVERAGE!  Opting out of maternity coverage leaves you with extremely limited options, as pregnancy is pretty much a pre-existing condition under most definitions.  You options tend to be, self-pay or Medicaid.

The great thing about pregnancy Medicaid in the State of Florida is that once you are approved, you are approved until 2 months after the baby is born, no matter what (hopefully positive) changes occur in your financial situation.  I had been worried about pursuing currently active accounts and booking meetings without weighing out the risk of losing coverage and now I can go gangbusters with work without worrying about how it will impact my maternity coverage. 

What does Medicaid cover for pregnant women?

• 1 ultrasound
• 10 prenatal visits (14 for high risk pregnancy)
• 2 postpartum visits
• 1 newborn assessment
• delivery, etc.

In today's economy, it is good to know that these resources are out there for folks who may have made the error of opting out of maternity coverage...

Out of the funk…

Had to get through the whole questioning paternity (even had the BALLS to question the pregnancy?!?) negativity that was invading this pregnancy with the gentleman no, I dare say not the gentleman, the mammal who chose to release his baby juice into me without permission or warning. Growing up in the South, there are some things about me that are quite old fashioned. First of all, I do NOT hand it out like candy, and I have instructed and mentored many of my female friends not to do the same. Being accused of such strikes in me an angry tone, having been one who is relatively chaste in comparison to many of my peers. So I move on. I proceed with this condition, which is teetering on being an event, without the "baby daddy" by my side. Over the last two weeks I have felt the negative energy wash away and my soul cleansed of that anger and badness.

Here is a point that struck me in these interactions; after making said point I shall veer away from addressing it much at all. If I happened to be one of those women who did hand it out like candy, I also happen to choose gentlemen to date. I daresay that if I had been with 3 different men, all of whom had irresponsibly spilled their seed into me, and if I had told each and every one of them the entire situation and the impending new life on its way (remember that this is a hypothetical with the men that I tend to date, not the one in question), if you gathered the last three men that I dated, each and every one of them would have stood up and been by my side throughout the entire thing. Been emotionally and financially supportive; while perhaps not wholly enthusiastic, and ridden out the entire nine to ten months waiting on a verdict. Perhaps I am too optimistic about my mate selection; but I believe that would be the case. It just seems that this time I chose poorly.

So what is there to do but to move forward for the sake of this child. Reach out to my friends and family for the love that they share for me and for the world and create an amazing being!

And so, my village…welcome.

Seriously? NOW you are doubting paternity?

Having a lovely banter with the newly dubbed "sperm donor".  His main concern in the beginning of all of this?  "I don't want to be treated like a sperm donor, I have always promised myself that I would not be an absent father like mine was"...well guess what?  You just did it yourself.

As I have previously expressed within this blog, I recognized early on that I was not being as kind and as inclusive with him as I should have been.  I tried to include him.  Seems he wants all or nothing.  I have felt, in the last several days, that he is trying to stress me out to the point of miscarriage or lining up at the abortion clinic.  He was all help and hope in the beginning; but I think that this attitude was contingent upon my coming back to him and being a "family".  Now, not only is he questioning paternity, but he is also saying that it was my "misjudgment" that caused me not to have maternity coverage.  Perhaps it was his misjudgment that caused him to fire a live one into me after one minute without my permission or approval.  I hold steadfast in my knowledge that this little one has made it clear that being born is a non negotiable; otherwise I would be first in line to "deal with it".

Guess these things are good to know now.

What are my rights as a single pregnant woman in Florida??  Here is some information from Florida Title VI, Chapter 63 (funny this chapter is regarding adoption)

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Have to bring it up yet again...Knocked Up? Seriously?

Have you seen Katherine Heigl?  That movie was NOT realistic...sorry!

Ugly dude with no job and no chemistry? 

RELATIONSHIP PROPAGANDA

Proceeding in an orderly manner...

Well, figured out I can't be anywhere without blurting it out.  The word is out.

After hours of frustration dealing with insurance companies I have come to the realization that there will be NO private insurance coverage for the alien lima bean.  Having owned a medical supply company, I am very aware that Florida Medicaid is not stellar in their reimbursements.  I was then self-charged with the task of locating a board-certified reputable doctor who takes the measly giblets the state hands out.  I spent much of the day yesterday compiling a spreadsheet of doctors who were listed as accepting this pittance...as I called, my dismay worsened as it seems many of them now do NOT accept it any more.

FINALLY, I found a great practice, with a great reputation, with a nice office (yes, I am snobby about that too, I want the alien lima bean to feel special and if I am having to go to the doctor every month I want it to smell good in there).

Comprehensive OB/GYN of Boca and Boynton was amazing and helpful and very kind on the phone.  They offer a free consultation visit which I will be doing on Monday.  I am relieved and hopeful at this news.


On another note, my blurting has gotten the word out, and as everyone says that they don't recommend telling anyone until they are "out of the woods", I need my village whether I am in or out of those woods.  If something goes wrong, I need my village...if something goes right, I need my village.

Ugh...more relationship propaganda

Watching "Knocked Up".  Are there any movies about women who actually make it through this process without making it work with the alien's father???

Ugh.

I understand the innate human need to feel that we need to be coupled up in order to procreate; but that is NOT my situation and I do hope that my creative spark will come more often to help me inspire others in a similar situation.

On another note; I am going to be okay with this whole Medicaid thing...funny, but to me that holds more of a stigma than single motherhood.  Is that crazy?  Anyway, I pulled up the names of every doctor in Palm Beach County that takes Medicaid and from there I am developing a spread sheet with reviews, hospitals served, etc. and from there I will make my decision.  Funny, in this flick she goes and has an exam at every doctor she's thinking about, is that realistic?

On yet another note, I took the magnets off 4 minutes ago....tick tock.  They were bugging me, but I'm betting I'll be back to being a believer shortly.

Did I say I got a plastic baby at Catholic Baby Testing Services? 

Getting an ultrasound there for free tomorrow!

Oh, yeah, by the way I no longer miss Ambien

Fatigue....reckless fatigue!

Insurance Nightmare...

So the previous policy that I had in Georgia actually had maternity coverage.  I let that coverage lapse when I got a new policy in Florida that did not have maternity coverage...again, "I don't need no stinkin' maternity coverage".

Yesterday I tried to get reinstated with Aetna...its been too long since my policy lapsed in June, I confirmed with United Healthcare that, in fact, I do not have maternity coverage...and let's take a guess at what my ONLY option is at this point...yep, you guessed it...medicaid.

I had suspected as much last week and completed the requisite online applications and was told to call in for a phone interview this week.  After spending 45 minutes trying to get through without an "all lines busy" message I then spent 2 hours on hold to the shortest, most annoying song I have ever heard in my life.  During the first 20 minutes of being on hold this lovely fatigue set back in (and oh yes, I no longer miss Ambien) and I went to the bedroom to "rest my eyes".  After the first hour passed I found myself sparring with snoozing...but terribly afraid that I would finally get through to a person and be in this very odd dreamland I have found myself in lately. 

2 hours later, luckily I was able to hear the voice of the woman on the other end and, after a relatively painless telephone interview, I was given a list of additional documents needed.  My first step was to get "official documentation" of the pregnancy from a list of clinics.  Once again, I swallowed my pride (have a feeling I am going to be doing this a good bit in the weeks and months to come), and drove to a Catholic Charity Clinic that was on the list and right down the road...I walked out 30 minutes later with another positive pregnancy test, a plastic baby and lots of subtle pro-life brochures.  I guess they aren't as severe as they were when I was younger.  The woman was so excited to have a pregnant result (apparently it's the local pregnancy testing spot and they are getting a lot of negative ones), she signed me up for an ultrasound on Thursday.  All in all not a terrible experience, but I am a SNOB when it comes to my body and it pisses me off that a woman with health insurance has to resort to Medicaid.

Moving forward I decided to look up some of the doctors that had been recommended to me.  Guess what, none of them take Medicaid.  I thought I might have a gander at the allowables and reimbursement rates and NO WONDER nobody takes it.

So now...I have everything ready...to find a decent doctor in this town that will take Medicaid...UGH!

A New Week....continued Alien Invasion

Well, I've been "normalizing" the whole thing.  The word is out.  It may or may not all work out the way it is supposed to.  Hoping everything is good and healthy and wonderful, found a great show versus watching "A Baby Story"...on TruTV "I didn't know I was pregnant" showcases crazy fat drunks who one day think they may be having symptoms of food poisoning and they end up with a perfectly healthy baby hours later...

Of course I am being healthy and doing everything I am supposed to do.  But I am 38.  I did read something that most of the statistics regarding women over 35 were written in the 70's and haven't been updated since then.  So many women are having babies later in life and I cannot live in panic and fear.  I have to surround myself with good energy and warm thoughts and wishes...including not lying about being pregnant, being single, or being a bit scared.

Man I miss Tab....

Man I miss Ambien...

So many things I can live without.  I had lived with very little sleep most of my life until I discovered my precious Ambien...so much for that!  Chalk that up to another thing I can't do.  I have been told; however, that soon enough I will be exhausted enough where it won't be necessary....whoopee....

Funny, someone asked about the possibility of "termination" tonight, I totally thought she was going to say "adoption", hmm...do we really ask virtual strangers about that at a company function?  I know it's a long time past my debutante days but pretty much, I think probably not. 

Yes, I'm grumpy and ill prepared for this entire scenario and aliens have taken over my body; but me and my village gotta stick around to see this alien that somehow managed to defy all odds and take over my being.  Thinking of sending mom and dad the little ditty, can't really come up with another way to tell em...

This whole thing is a big pain in the ass....yes.  But in life, you gotta take it all, wrap it up and figure out a way to laugh.